Newsletter

September 2003

SATIRE – New Affirmative Action Hiring Proposal

Mike S. Adams

Mike S. Adams

August 25, 2003

Dear Lee:

I have been meaning to write
you ever since you first expressed your disappointment with the lack of
diversity among the faculty at UNC-Wilmington. I’m sure you remember our
conversation three years ago when you decided to change your major from
political science because they didn’t have a single Republican professor.
You also told me that you raised the issue with one of your Democratic
professors. I am sorry that he sarcastically responded to your complaint
by saying that the department had a “careful screening process” which ensured
that no Republican would ever be offered a tenure-track position. If that
quote is accurate, it is a real sign of immaturity, not to mention intellectual
insecurity. I think it was wise to seek another major.

I’m only sorry that I was
unable to help you find an alternate major offering you a more diverse
education as you prepared for law school. I thought that English would
be a suitable alternative but my research revealed that none of their 31
full-time professors were registered Republicans. I also looked into philosophy
and religion, anthropology, and sociology and found that there were no
Republicans in any of those departments. Finally, I considered complaining
to the Chancellor but he was attending a Democratic fund-raiser the day
I tried to reach him. My research also revealed that none of his seven
vice-chancellors were Republicans.

For a long time afterwards,
I must confess that I had given up on the prospect of creating a more diverse
intellectual climate at our university. But, recently, my friend Jon Sanders
at the John Locke Foundation in Raleigh wrote an article that explains
how the Grutter decision may actually help conservatives remedy the lack
of ideological diversity on college campuses.

After reading Sanders’ article,
I re-read Grutter and came to the same conclusion. After all, the Supreme
Court did say that universities have a compelling interest in diversity.
They also said that preferences aimed at fostering diversity were justified
by historical discrimination. If such a rationale can be used to justify
preferential treatment for minorities applying for admission as students,
it would seem to apply to conservatives applying for teaching positions.
Affirmative action for conservative professors would clearly help to create
a more diverse intellectual climate. It would also go a long way towards
remedying years of oppression experienced by conservatives at the hands
of intolerant university leftists.

In order to test this new
application of Grutter, I have created a questionnaire that I hope will
be used to bring more conservative professors into higher education. I
promise that this test will not be used as a device to “discriminate.”
Unlike student admissions policies, I will recommend its use only as a
tiebreaker when universities are deadlocked on a hiring decision. I have
noticed that there are a lot of these ties between equally qualified applicants.
Usually the tie is between a white male and either a woman or a racial
minority.

From now on, black women
will not be the automatic winners in these situations. Under my plan, getting
the job will depend on the applicant’s performance on a test that directly
measures attitudes. No longer will hiring decisions be based on assumptions
about the manner in which attitudes correlate with certain demographic
characteristics. My proposed test follows in its entirety:

Pick the best answer among
the following options:

1. My last meal: a) had at
   least one type of food that had parents, or b) was comprised solely of
   vegetables.
2. The most evil leader
   of the 20th century was: a) Joseph Stalin or, b) Ronald Reagan.
3. If a burglar broke into
   my house this evening I would rather: a) shoot him, or b) find out why
   he hated me.
4. It is morally reprehensible
   to: a) abort an eight-month-old human fetus, or b) slaughter a chicken
   for human consumption.
5. I am firmly convinced
   of the existence of: a) moral absolutes, or b) global warming.
6. I am more likely to watch:
   a) Fox News, or b) Al Jazeera.
7. If I were sitting on
   a runway for several hours inside an American Airlines jet that was experiencing
   “temporary technical problems,” I would want a copy of: a) Treason,
   by Ann Coulter, or b) Living History, by Hillary Clinton.
8. The best way to invest
   for retirement is with: a) an IRA, or b) social security.
9. The Constitution guarantees
   each adult the right to: a) bear arms, or b) engage in homosexual sodomy.
10. Kindergartners should
    never hear this word in the classroom: a) vagina, or b) God.

After completing the test,
the number of times each applicant circled “a” will be computed. A higher
number of “a” responses represents a greater con-tribution to faculty
diversity (i.e., a more conservative applicant). If both applicants get
the same score on the test, the hiring decision will be determined by a
simple coin toss.

Remember Lee, I am proposing
this test to benefit people like you who believe that their parents wasted
tens of thousands of dollars on an education that promised diversity and
delivered indoctrination. But also remember that I am only proposing this
test as a tiebreaker. I promise that it will never become a part of all
hiring decisions. Furthermore, I expect that 25 years from now, the use
of such a test will no longer be necessary.

Mike S. Adams (adams_mike@hotmail.com)
was hired by UNC-Wilmington in 1993 when he was a Democrat and an atheist.
Since then, he has turned out to be a big disappointment.