SATIRE - New Affirmative Action Hiring Proposal

September 2003

Mike S. Adams

August 25, 2003

Dear Lee:

I have been meaning to write you ever since you first expressed your disappointment with the lack of diversity among the faculty at UNC-Wilmington. I’m sure you remember our conversation three years ago when you decided to change your major from political science because they didn’t have a single Republican professor. You also told me that you raised the issue with one of your Democratic professors. I am sorry that he sarcastically responded to your complaint by saying that the department had a “careful screening process” which ensured that no Republican would ever be offered a tenure-track position. If that quote is accurate, it is a real sign of immaturity, not to mention intellectual insecurity. I think it was wise to seek another major.

I’m only sorry that I was unable to help you find an alternate major offering you a more diverse education as you prepared for law school. I thought that English would be a suitable alternative but my research revealed that none of their 31 full-time professors were registered Republicans. I also looked into philosophy and religion, anthropology, and sociology and found that there were no Republicans in any of those departments. Finally, I considered complaining to the Chancellor but he was attending a Democratic fund-raiser the day I tried to reach him. My research also revealed that none of his seven vice-chancellors were Republicans.

For a long time afterwards, I must confess that I had given up on the prospect of creating a more diverse intellectual climate at our university. But, recently, my friend Jon Sanders at the John Locke Foundation in Raleigh wrote an article that explains how the Grutter decision may actually help conservatives remedy the lack of ideological diversity on college campuses.

After reading Sanders’ article, I re-read Grutter and came to the same conclusion. After all, the Supreme Court did say that universities have a compelling interest in diversity. They also said that preferences aimed at fostering diversity were justified by historical discrimination. If such a rationale can be used to justify preferential treatment for minorities applying for admission as students, it would seem to apply to conservatives applying for teaching positions. Affirmative action for conservative professors would clearly help to create a more diverse intellectual climate. It would also go a long way towards remedying years of oppression experienced by conservatives at the hands of intolerant university leftists.

In order to test this new application of Grutter, I have created a questionnaire that I hope will be used to bring more conservative professors into higher education. I promise that this test will not be used as a device to “discriminate.” Unlike student admissions policies, I will recommend its use only as a tiebreaker when universities are deadlocked on a hiring decision. I have noticed that there are a lot of these ties between equally qualified applicants. Usually the tie is between a white male and either a woman or a racial minority.

From now on, black women will not be the automatic winners in these situations. Under my plan, getting the job will depend on the applicant’s performance on a test that directly measures attitudes. No longer will hiring decisions be based on assumptions about the manner in which attitudes correlate with certain demographic characteristics. My proposed test follows in its entirety:

Pick the best answer among the following options:

  1. My last meal: a) had at least one type of food that had parents, or b) was comprised solely of vegetables.
  2. The most evil leader of the 20th century was: a) Joseph Stalin or, b) Ronald Reagan.
  3. If a burglar broke into my house this evening I would rather: a) shoot him, or b) find out why he hated me.
  4. It is morally reprehensible to: a) abort an eight-month-old human fetus, or b) slaughter a chicken for human consumption.
  5. I am firmly convinced of the existence of: a) moral absolutes, or b) global warming.
  6. I am more likely to watch: a) Fox News, or b) Al Jazeera.
  7. If I were sitting on a runway for several hours inside an American Airlines jet that was experiencing “temporary technical problems,” I would want a copy of: a) Treason, by Ann Coulter, or b) Living History, by Hillary Clinton.
  8. The best way to invest for retirement is with: a) an IRA, or b) social security.
  9. The Constitution guarantees each adult the right to: a) bear arms, or b) engage in homosexual sodomy.
  10. Kindergartners should never hear this word in the classroom: a) vagina, or b) God.

After completing the test, the number of times each applicant circled “a” will be computed. A higher number of “a” responses represents a greater con-tribution to faculty diversity (i.e., a more conservative applicant). If both applicants get the same score on the test, the hiring decision will be determined by a simple coin toss.

Remember Lee, I am proposing this test to benefit people like you who believe that their parents wasted tens of thousands of dollars on an education that promised diversity and delivered indoctrination. But also remember that I am only proposing this test as a tiebreaker. I promise that it will never become a part of all hiring decisions. Furthermore, I expect that 25 years from now, the use of such a test will no longer be necessary.